Sometimes I Prefer Computers to People

Computers are easy. If the computer is not making sense, or doing something weird like crashing, freezing, or shutting down spontaneously, than it's definitely either your fault, or something is simply broken. It's almost always easily fixable. People, on the other hand, are much more complicated. People don't keep kernel logs, and are much less debuggable. I wish human brains ran on Linux and kept verbose debug logs. Than I could just sort of like ...



# ssh into the brain in question
anon@nixbox:$ ssh root@brain
Last login: n/a          
##############################

# get uptime, unset history, and grab emotional/chemical stats
 
root@brain:# unset HISTFILE ; uptime ; env|grep "EMO\|CHEM"|tr -d '\n'
14:50:31 up 1 day, 19:24,  1 user,  load average: 0.61, 0.74, 0.93
EMO_HAPPY=0 EMO_SAD=1 EMO_FEAR=1 EMO_LOVE=0 CHEM_DOPAMINE=44% CHEM_SERATONIN=53% CHEM_GABA=50% CHEM_epinephrine=87%
root@brain:# dmesg | grep 'because\|reason'
# remount the responsible parts of brain as writable
root@brain:# mount -o remount,rw /dev/amygdala /mnt/brain0
root@brain:# mount -o remount,rw /dev/hippocampus /mnt/brain1
# strace whatever program is responcible for emotions for a while
 
root@brain:# strace -v /mnt/hippocampus/bin/emotions > out.log
 grep "happ*\|sad*\|ang*\|anx*\|fear*\|*secure*\|love*\|hate*\|irritat*\|panic*\|comfort*\|joy\|despair\|disgust\| \
 trust*\|scare*\|relief\|bliss" out.log > debug.log ; shred -zu out.log
# diagnostics: figure out what they're feeling and why
root@brain:# grep "feeling\|because\|reason\|suggest*\|CHEM*" debug.log

 
Mon Aug 08 01:23:59 EDT 2016 DEBUG: feeling happy because: 'sun is shining, skies are blue '
 CHEM: [dopamine: 75%] [seratonin: 89% ] [GABA: 90%] [epinephrine: 10%]
Tue Aug 09 18:23:53 EDT 2016 INFO: feeling angry because: 'smells like teen spirit playing on radio again '
 CHEM: [dopamine: 45%] [seratonin: 57% ] [GABA: 70%][epinephrine: 51%]
Wed Aug 10 12:02:26 EDT 2016 INFO: feeling happy because: 'got paid today, '
 CHEM: [dopamine: 75%] [seratonin: 60% ] [GABA: 100%][epinephrine: 3%]
Thu Aug 11 09:55:41 EDT 2016 WARN: feeling irritable because 'craving nicotine, low dopamine '
 CHEM: [dopamine: 24%] [seratonin: 51% ] [GABA: 70%][epinephrine: 60%]
Thu Aug 11 12:30:44 EDT 2016 ERR:  system unstable, reason: 'chemical inbalance! '
 CHEM: [dopamine: 15%] [seratonin: 42% ] [GABA: 10%][epinephrine: 88%]
Fri Aug 12 08:12:43 EDT 2016 WARN: feeling anxious because: 'sleep deprivation [-2 hours] '
 CHEM: [dopamine: 55%] [seratonin: 60% ] [GABA: 42%][epinephrine: 90%]
Fri Aug 12 08:12:43 EDT 2016 INFO: suggest: '10 mgs diazepam to induce somnia and more sleep'
Fri Aug 12 11:56:01 EDT 2016 FATAL: feeling: 'depressed because: '(null) error: no reason found'

# shred the evidence (not sure that in any universe this would be legal)
 
root@brain:# shred -zu debug.log 

# create a boot script to kill bad emotions, trigger good ones, and let's just do our brain owner a favor and correct that seratonin inbalance once and for all, each reboot (or, every morning, i suppose. [it's pseudo science fiction].)
 
root@brain:# grep -v "exit 0" /etc/rc.local > /tmp/rc.tmp ;
root@brain:# echo "echo 1 > /proc/emo/happy ; echo 0 > /proc/emo/sad ; echo 0 > /proc/emo/fear ;echo 1 > /proc/emo/love;\
 echo 100 > /dev/chem/dopamine ; echo 100 > /dev/chem/seratonin ; echo 0 > /dev/chem/epinephrine ; echo 100 > /dev/chem/GABA \
 exit 0" >> /tmp/rc.tmp && mv /tmp/rc.tmp > /etc/rc.local

# turn panic attacks into blissful trips, in fact, lets just unset panic as a variable altogether and save some pharma costs. than we should be good to simply reboot the brain and all will be well
 
root@brain:# echo 'alias PANIC="echo 1 > /proc/emo/bliss;echo 0 >/proc/emo/panic ; unset PANIC\"' >> /etc/profile
root@brain:# ln -s /dev/chem/GABA /dev/chem/epinephrine ; reboot
Broadcast message from root@brain
        (/dev/pts/1) at 13:21 ...
The system is going down for reboot now!
Connection closed by remote host.

# log back in and make sure nothing went terribly wrong




anon@nixbox:$ ssh root@brain
Last login: Fri Aug 12 15:29:57 EDT 2016 from nixbox.lan
##############################
root@brain:# env|grep "EMO\|CHEM"|tr -d '\n'
EMO_HAPPY=1 EMO_SAD=0 EMO_FEAR=0 EMO_LOVE=1 CHEM_DOPAMINE=100% CHEM_SERATONIN=100% CHEM_GABA=100% CHEM_epinephrine=0%
root@brain:# >$HISTFILE; exit
Connection to brain-099343343322.lan closed
anon@nixbox:$ # All better now

# Looks good. Our subject is flying on dopamine, has a health seratonin balance, lots of GABA, and we've disabled adrenaline (for now, cause ya, adrenaline has it's uses)


As nice as this would be, it's just not the way life works. Life is not binary. The world is not black and white, it's rather colorful. But it's nice to dream.